Christmas Without My Babies

Today it has been 10 months since I held Grant and we had to say goodbye.  I still remember all of the emotions as if it were yesterday. The pain, the joy, the grief.  I wish Grant were still here.  I wish he was here in the nursery we have for him, but he is not.  We do not get to give him presents for his first Christmas, we do not get to go see Santa and we do not get to send our family Christmas cards. 

Not only do we not get to do these things with Grant, but we also do not get to do them with Nathan.  It is hard for me to think of having to celebrate Christmas without my two babies.  Tom and I were supposed to have two babies with us this year. How can we celebrate without them?

I was shown this poem by a friend from my online support group:

“My First Christmas in Heaven”

 I see the countless Christmas trees.
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

 The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

 I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

 For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.

 I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

 I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.

 Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!

 I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.

 So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.

 After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

 Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.

 So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

- Author Unknown

Although this makes me cry, it puts me at ease a bit.  My babies get to spend their first Christmas with Jesus!  There could be no better way to celebrate Christmas than with Christ himself.  The gift God is giving me this year for Christmas is the peace in knowing that Grant and Nathan are having the best Christmas ever.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Not Ready to Let Go

Today I went through my maternity clothes.  One by one I took each piece of clothing off the hanger and folded it nicely.  I carefully put them in one big pile.  I pulled my pants out of the drawer and stacked them up.  Can this really be happening?  Am I getting rid of my maternity clothes?

Going through my clothes I got to remember Grant and Nathan.  We did not get much time together but I have such great memories of my little ones.  I can remember when I found out I was pregnant with both of them.  The sheer excitement we had was amazing.  I also remember the nights Tom would read to us as we got ready for bed.  And all of the times I got to see them on the ultrasound.  I miss them both more than anything.

Getting rid of my maternity clothes shows we are defeated.  I am not ready to be defeated.  I have hope that one day we will have a baby.  So, instead of donating my clothes I bought a big bin and put all of my clothes in it.  It is now stored safely in our basement, where one day I will be able to bring it back out.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Searching for God's Gift

This year God gave Tom and me two amazing gifts.  He gave us two precious sons.  Sadly, before we were able to meet our sons God called them home to heaven.  We were given two great gifts and they were taken away too soon. 

Tom and I have been through so much this year.  It is hard to even fathom what we have had to deal with.  The overwhelming grief of losing two children in one year has been almost more than we can handle.  We have only been able to keep going through the support of our friends, family and most importantly our Heavenly Father.  God has given us the hope to keep going, to not give up on having a family. 

Now Tom and I are left searching for our gift from God.  We know God has plans for a family for us, we just do not know what they are yet.  We are now searching for that gift.  We do not know how we are getting our family, but we know one day God will give us one.  Until that day, we are left searching for our gift.  God may give us other gifts along the way.  Gifts we do not expect. Gifts that come from our grief.  Now, each day, we search.  What gift has God given us today?

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Give Thanks?

With the Thanksgiving holiday coming I have been thinking about what I am thankful for.  It has been very hard because this year has not been good to our family.  On February 9th I delivered Grant.  God gave Tom and I a son.  We were able to spend mere moments with him as he grew in me.  He died before we truly got to meet him.  How can I be thankful after losing Grant?

We were devastated after losing our first son, but we were eager to try again.  It was not long and we found out I was pregnant with Nathan.  Our happiness was short lived when we found out that Nathan would not live much longer.  On November 17th  I delivered Nathan.  Again we had to say good bye too soon.  How can we be thankful after losing Nathan?

We have had nothing, but pain and heart ache this year.  Tears and disappointment have ruled our lives this year and happiness has barely even been in our vocabulary.  After a year of losing so much, how can we be thankful?

I will say, there have been some good things this year.  Both Chelsea and I got great jobs.  I got a teaching job at Atherton Schools and Chelsea got an advising job at Northern Illinois University.  We are both very thankful to not have to work at Outback and to finally be using the degrees we worked so hard for. 

Through all of our sorrow and pain I have seen so many people reach out to our family.  So many people are praying for us, and for that I am truly thankful.  I am thankful that I have an amazing husband who holds me when I cry, who rubs my back when I can't sleep, who loves me unconditionally.  I am thankful for a family who drops everything to support Tom and I. But most of all, I am thankful for the love of Christ.  Through Christ's love and sacrifice I have everlasting life.  I will be able to meet my sweet babies some day.  I will get to hold them in my arms once again. 

In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To...

It has not even been a week since I delivered Nathan and today is my birthday. For the rest of my life we will share birthdays in the same week. This morning I laid in bed and cried. I miss Nathan so much! Will my birthday ever be a happy day? Or will it only bring me tears and sadness?

I don't know how to be happy when I just lost my son.  How could anyone be happy after losing their son?  I have a wonderful family and husband that want nothing more than to make my birthday and amazing day.  If I can not be happy on my birthday, I at least can see how truly blessed I am.  I am blessed to have the most amazing husband who will go to the ends of the earth to make me happy.  I am blessed to have a family that will do anything to make my day special.  I am blessed to have wonderful friends that wish me a happy birthday. 

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Saying Good Bye

I am a mother.  I am a mother that is grieving. Grieving after losing her second child in a year.  This is not the road I though we would be on.  This is not where I want to be.  Crying myself to sleep, longing to hold my child again.  My arms literally ache because I can no longer hold Nathan.  My body tells me I should have a child in my arms yet that is not my reality. 

The delivery was a tough one.  Once they gave me pitocin (a drug to bring on contractions) my contractions stopped.  I only was having pain.  Because the machines were not picking up any contractions they thought I was not very far into my labor.  My pain worsened and I asked for the epidural even though my muscles were still not contracting.  I got a small amount of relief (5 to 10 minutes or so) from the epidural before the pain became unbearable.  Tom called the nurse as I tried my hardest to keep breathing.  The nurse checked to see how dilated I was and ended up breaking my water.  The nurse called for help from the resident and more nurses.  They had to help clean me up while I tried to continue breathing through the pain. More pain came and the resident said I should try to push.  I did not feel any contractions, but I pushed anyway.  It was so hard to push when my body was not helping me.  I could feel absolutely everything.  I could feel an immense amount of pain surge through my back and Nathan trying to make his way out.  I had no feeling of pressure or contractions.  Pushing was so hard. Finally Nathan emerged and I could rest.  I was crying because of the pain, I was crying because I knew Nathan was gone.  I looked at Tom with tears streaming down his face.  He was looking at Nathan with a smile on his face.  He looked back at me, "Nathan is perfect" he said.  He was such a proud father.  He described Nathan to me as they cleaned him up. 

I got to hold Nathan on my chest.  I got to look at his sweet face.  He had dark hair and little ears.  His eyes were closed and his mouth was open.  His hand was placed on his chin like he was deep in thought.  He was perfect, just as Tom said.  We took so many pictures of Nathan with things we had brought and made for him.  There were so many tears, but we made the best of the time we had.  It was not long before the nurse came and took him away.  It was heart breaking to watch him leave, knowing I would never hold him again.            

For the second time this year I left a hospital, after delivering my baby, with empty arms.  As we pulled a way, I looked back at what we had to leave behind.  We had to leave our flesh and blood, our second son.  There was no car seat in our car, no crying baby to comfort.  Just Tom and I alone.  My heart ached at the thought of never holding him again, never able to see him smile or hear him talk.

My suffering seems as though it will never end.  We are still waiting for test results that could make us suffer even more.  We know that if we want a family our road just got a lot bumpier and a lot longer.  Some days I think that maybe God just does not want us to have a family, but then my heart longs for a child to hold and I know that we are meant to be parents.

Through the pain, there are few things that comfort me.  I lean on God's Word to give me comfort.  I know God has more planned for us than this.  I struggle to be patient as I wait for God's timing for our family.  I know that through our pain God has blessings for us.  It is hard to see our blessings through our tears, but I know they are there.  I know our story touches many people's lives.  I know our faithfulness to God has restored the faith of others.  I have listened to "Blessings" by Laura Story everyday since we found out Nathan had passed.  It is an amazing song that I would love for you to listen to.

Blessings by Laura Story

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

The Journey Continues

The day has come and gone.  Looking at the ultrasound, squinting to find the heartbeat, only to hear Peg tell me that the heart had stopped.  Devastation sets in as I think of all the things I have to do to prepare for the next week.  I wish we had more time.  I wish we did not have to say good bye. 

Today we found out our son, Nathan Andrew Kaiser, passed away.  I do not even know what to think right now.  Nathan could be our last child.  He could be the last chance Tom and I had at a biological family.  I don't want to let go.  I don't want this to be my reality. 

I am frustrated and angry and devastated.  I don't want to bury our second child in the same year.  No parent should have to deal with losing a child, let alone losing two.   

The only thing I know right now is our baby is in the hands of our Heavenly Father.   One day I will get to meet him.  Until that day I will praise God for giving the strength to press on after losing two sons.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Trying to Understand God's Plan

Today I had another ultrasound appointment.  I thought it would be the same as the rest.  I walked in the hospital and turned toward the waiting room for maternal fetal medicine.  This also happens to be the waiting room for families waiting for a baby to be born.  As I look and get closer I notice there is not a single seat open!  There were so many families waiting for a little one that there was not a seat for me.  There had to have been close to 30 people waiting.  I checked in at the window and turned to see some seats open.  I sat and began my wait.

As I waited, I heard everyone talk about the progress their loved one was making.  How many centimeters they are, that they can see the babies hair and lots more.  I began to realize my family will never be able to happily talk about me during my labor.  There will not be an excited family waiting to hold a little baby.  Instead there will be a family grieving the loss of a baby.  Waiting on edge to say their good-byes.  This is when I began to realize, my family will never be able to welcome a healthy baby into our world like so many others get to.

This gets me thinking, what will I be missing out on?  I will never feel my baby happily kicking inside me.  I will never be able to hear my babies' first cry.  I will never get to hold a living, blood related baby.  I will never hear a stranger say, "your child looks just like you."  There are so many joys of this world I will never be able to experience. 

This made me so angry!  Why are these joys taken away from me?  Why am I being punished?  Why do I not get to have these joys?  I don't understand!  Look at all of these happy families.  Why do they get the joys that are taken from me?   I cannot understand any of this.  I don't understand why God would let me hurt this much.  Not only am I going to lose my baby, but God puts these happy families  in my face so I can see what I will never get to experience.

With the Thanksgiving holiday nearing I tried to be thankful.  I did get to have some joys that other people don't get.  There are many people that experience infertility that never get to see PREGNANT on a home pregnancy test.  I got that amazing joy.  I also got to see my baby on an ultrasound.  I got to talk to my baby and read him stories.  I got to give birth to my baby and hold him.  I got to kiss him and love on him.  There are people out there that never get this joy. 

I am struggling with the road God has put in front of us.  I feel that so much has been taken away from us, only to be replaced by inconsolable grief.  Will we ever find happiness again?  Is it God's plan that we are sad?  Is it His plan that we bury one child after another?   I need help understanding God's plan.  I need help seeing the good things in life.  Please be praying that I can remember;

In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

This Satuday, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This is a day we remember our lost little ones.  We remember babies born asleep, or who we carried but not met.  Those we have held but couldn't take home.  The ones that make it home but couldn't stay.

I am asking that, not only will we remember our lost little ones, but that we remember the families that lost someone so special.  Please keep those families in your prayers this week as they take time to remember what they had and lost.  Pray that those families find peace in knowing God WILL give us glory!

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

Pray that these families know that thier lost little one in now safely in the arms of Jesus.  Our little ones are on barrowed time.  God gives us our little ones to care for until they return to their true home.  Although our little ones were taken away too soon, we WILL be together in heaven one day.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Romans 14:8

Pray that these families understand that Gad has a family planned for them.  We do not know why the family we had planned did not work out, but God does.  He has a child waiting for us, yet we do not know where or when this child is coming.  Please pray for patientce for these families as they wait for God's plan to unfold.

He gives the childless couple a family, gives them joy as parents of children.
Psalm 113:9

Please pray for Tom and I this week as we remember Grant.  Please pray that we find answers to help us move forward and plan a family.  Pray that God shows us His plan and where to find our family.  Please pray for our patience, our understanding and our peace.

No one who puts his hope in You will ever be put to shame.
Psalm 25:3

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

For more information on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_and_Infant_Loss_Remembrance_Day

The Insurance Battle

First, I have to thank God for the blessing of my new job.  Not only has it helped us financially, but work is a great distraction from everything that is going on.  I don't sit at home and dwell.  I am able to have a full day of work, come home and work some more.  There is no time for me to get upset, or think about the horrible things to come.  This job is a true blessing!

Now, our insurance...hmm.  Well, they sure have made things more difficult.  A few weeks ago I got a call from our genetic councilor.  She told me that she called the insurance company and they would not cover our microarray test or the lysosomal storage test.  She explained that the company told her that it was not a matter of them not covering it, it was the employer coverage.  I asked how much the microarray would cost if we had to pay and the answer made me cry.  We would have to take out a loan, or put it on a credit card to have it payed for.  We really wanted the test done, but did not think that those were options we wanted to do.  I told Tom about our conversation and he immediately emailed his MEA and insurance representatives.

While he was sending his email, I posted our news on facebook.  I had amazing response of people wanting to help us with a fund raiser.  Again, God has blessed us endlessly.  We have such amazing friends and family for wanting to help us find out what is happening.

The next day, Tom heard back form the representatives.  They believed that the test should be covered and were confused as to why it was rejected.  Come to find out, the insurance company thought we wanted them to pay for a test on a child we did not have on our insurance.  They did not understand that the child in question is not born yet and therefore it is a test for me.  Once this was clarified, they then asked for a written of intent from the doctor and a my patient history.  They needed this to pre-approve the test.  Almost like they did not believe us.

I made the call to U of M Hospital to have them send the correct documents to the insurance company.  Now we wait.  We wait for the insurance company to pre-approve the test, we wait for the test results, we just continue to wait.

God has a plan for us!  Unfortunately, He is requiring us to be patient.  We do not know what God's plan is.  We do not know when God is going to happen.  We do not know where our family is coming from.  Here is what we do know;

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

My New Job!

I know I have not posted in a while, but I have been so busy.  I have a new job!!  I started last week as a teacher for the Atherton School District.  I am a part time teacher.  I go to work at 7 in the morning and I finish a little after 11.  I am teaching 9th-12th graders Spanish 1 and 2.  I LOVE teaching.  I have not been sure about teaching up til now, but so far I love my job.  It is a lot of work.  I may only be part time, but I work all day lesson planning, making worksheets and grading papers.  What a blessing God has given me.

The best part of working part time is I am still able to make all of the appointments.  I have had to adjust some of my appointments, but everything should work out.  Tomorrow I have my amniocentesis.  I have to work in the morning and I have the procedure at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon.  Tom and I both want answers to what is happening.  The more information we get the easier it will be to move forward. 

I am upset we are in this position again.  I don't want the pain of losing another child, but God has given me a great distraction to handle the situation differently this time.  I won't have to sit home by myslef crying, I have a place to be and things to do.  God has given me a rest to make it through this hard time.

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28  

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

The Waiting Game

Tom and I have played this game before and we are not fans.  We can be patient people, but this a waiting game we never intended to have to play again.  We wait for our next appointments; we wait in many waiting rooms; we wait for things to progress; we wait for tests to happen; we wait for test results; we wait for the baby to move; we wait for good news; we wait for bad news; we wait for answers; we wait for understanding; we wait for answered prayers; we wait for miracles....we just wait.

Tom and I know that we have a very painful road ahead of us.  The waiting game gives us doubts and fears.  These fester the longer we wait.  We want to have answers.  We want to understand what is happening.  Why don't we have answers? 

Tom and I are trusting God to help us.  We know our God is good and will help us every step of the way.  What we are having trouble remembering is that God does things in His time.  We want answers now, but God will give us what we need when we need it. 

For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him.
Ecclesiastes 8:6

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Our Path

My specialist decided that it would be best for everyone involved to send us to see Dr.Nugent at U of M Hospital.  We will wait until later this month to start testing for a few reasons.  Right now we could do a CVS but that would limit our testing.  We want to do additional testing this time to see if we can diagnosis the condition.  We can only do this if we do an amniocentesis.  We are also able to freeze the culture from an amniocentesis to do more testing if that situation arises.  We want to see if this condition will continue in all our babies or if it will only happen in some. We might be able to get answers from the U of M Hospital.

We have a lot of testing ahead of us.  We are still hopeful that God will give us our miracle baby.  We need everyone to continue to pray for our miracle.  We need prayers for strength, peace and understanding of God's plan and timing. 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Why God? Why?

That is what I cried out this morning in the shower.  Why is this happening again?  Did we not prove ourselves to be faithful servants when this happened with Grant?  Did we not continue to go to church and scour God's Word for peace and comfort?  Did we not pray for this to never happen again?  Why God?!?  Did we not trust that no matter the outcome with Grant that You would give us a healthy child?  Did we not blindly, in faith, try to conceive again?  Why God?!?

I stood there sobbing in disbelief that this could be happening again.  I don't understand! Infertility is one thing, extremely difficult I know, but to have to actually bury a child is devastating.  I can't do that again.  Watching them put the tiny, white casket in the ground.  Putting dirt on top, knowing I will never be able to hold my baby again.  I will never get to kiss my baby or ever see a smile on their face or hold them when they cry.  I will never hear them call me momma or watch as they light up when their daddy enters the room.  Why am I robbed of these things?

I was able to talk to some friends and family, and if I got anything from them it was "we deserve a healthy child."  Then why don't I have one?  Why do I have pain and sorrow?  Why do I have to bury my children?  I had to think long and hard why God would let this happen again.  And I could not come up with an answer.  God would never want us to feel this way.  It is not God who did this!!  This is the work of Satan!  I will not let Satan take me away from God.  I ask Jesus Christ to take Satan from this place!!  He will NOT take our joy from having a baby, he will NOT stand in the way of Tom and I having a family.  Satan is not welcome in my home or my life and I will not stand to have him here.

Tom and I know that this baby IS God's gift.  This is a blessing from above and one we will gladly endure the pain for.  We have been greatly blessed in our lives.  God never ceases to amaze me.  His blessings overflow from our lives, and I see them more during this difficult time.  What amazing people God as blessed our lives with!  I can not thank all of you enough for your thoughts, kind words and most of all your prayers for us.  It is when tragedy strikes that God shows us how blessed we really are!

Blessings by Laura Story

This song describes a lot of what I feel today.  Through our pain we are truly blessed! I know God will continue to bless us through our sadness.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Loving our Baby Through the Pain.

We were expecting big things from this appointment.  We waited, not for too long, and went back for our ultra sound with Peg (who said she was happy to see us back).  She asked if someone had looked at the baby before and we told her all was well with our first ultrasound.  She was excited to get started.

She started the ultrasound and we saw our little one.  She passed over the baby a few times and Tom gasped.  We both saw it.  We knew exactly what it was.  The familiar halo around the babies head.  Peg started to tear up.  "There is a cystic hygroma," she managed to say.  Tom and I looked at each other, scared of what was to come.  Peg had to turn away to collect herself.  She apologized and told us that she never gets bothered by things like this, but she did not expect another hygroma and she just wanted to see us happy.

She took a few measurements and went to call the specialist.  Tom made some phone calls to tell our parents the news.  He came back in the room and we said a prayer for our baby then we cried together.  We don't understand why this is happening again.  We just want to be parents and can't seem to have a healthy baby. We were so excited and now we are devastated.

We spent some time with our parents and sent a prayer out for our baby. 

After we came home, I got a call from Dr. Jaskierny.  She said she did not even know what to say.  She was so excited for us to get the ultrasound done because she was sure it would bring good news.  She spent some time talking to my specialist and they are both very concerned.  Neither of them expected this to happen again and both are not sure where to go from here.  They are debating sending me right to U of M hospital.  I have an appointment on Monday with my specialist do go over the ultrasound and discus what test we want to do.

We are so baffled to be in this position again.  I can not handle burying another child.  GOD HELP US!  We are trying to stay positive and pray for a miracle.  We know that through God all things are possible.  We love our baby and will enjoy our baby for as long as it is with us.  For the next couple of weeks we will be down on our knees praying for a healthy baby.

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

The First Ultrasound!

Our ultrasound was scheduled for 8:45 in the morning.  I wanted to make sure to get there early, so we got there at 8:30.  There were many women with ultrasound papers waiting so I knew we had a while.  The longer we sat the more nervous we got.  Would this baby have a cystic hygroma too?  Would there be another issue this time around?

After waiting about 50 minutes we were finally called back for our ultrasound.  We both stood and my heart started beating faster and I got butterflies in my stomach.  I was so nervous!  We walked back and I laid on the table.  The technician asked how we were doing.  I responded with a simple "ok" while Tom said, "We are just hoping for good news."  She looked at us funny and said, "Good news?  What do you mean?"  We explained what happened with Grant as she got ready.

She did not waste any time finding our little one.  She found the heartbeat and we got to listen to it.  We were afraid to ask, but did not have to.  "There is no cystic hygroma and your baby looks perfect at this point."  What a relief to hear.  God has heard and answered our prayers!

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.  Matthew 21:22

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

FATIGUE!

Well, it has hit me, full force.  I want to sleep all the time.  I get up feeling great, but it is not long before I need a nap.  Once up from my nap I want another one.  Going out to do normal things takes so much out of me.  I can barely make it through the grocery store, I feel like I am going to fall asleep driving to work...and work, don't get me started. 

Just for the record, I am NOT complaining!  I am so happy to feel the fatigue.  I know my body is giving our baby everything that it needs to grow into a healthy, happy, God-loving person.  I have not had morning sickness yet, but it will be welcomed when it comes.  This way I know my body is producing the hormones the baby needs even if it makes me sick. 

I may be physically exhausted, but spiritually I have been renewed.  God has given me a baby and a hope.  He has given me the hope of eternal life in heaven.  I cling to God's every Word.

But he answered, "It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."  Matthew 4:4

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

God's Timing

I want to tell everyone about our new little one!  Every person I see I have to remember to not tell them that I am pregnant.  I have to hold my tongue every time someone offers me caffeine or alcohol.  I have to pretend I just don't want it.  I want to talk about future things that will include the baby, but I have to stop myself.  I am so ready to tell people, but I know I can't.

Tom and I have decided to wait until after our first ultrasound before we go public with the pregnancy.  We want to wait to see if this will be another hard pregnancy or an easy one (we are fervently praying for and easy one).  We want to have more information before we have to tell everyone about our little one.  We can then tell them everything at once instead of having to tell them at multiple different times.  I understand the logic of waiting, but I am too excited!

Everything is right in God's time.  I know that God will give us the perfect time to tell everyone.  I know that in God's time things will happen and I need to relax and let God take care of things.

There is a right time and right way for everything.  Ecclesiastes 8:6

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

Always a Roller-coaster

This week has been hard on the emotions.  It does not help that I have the hormones to accompany them.  On June 9th Tom was told that the Lapeer music program was going to be cut.  They did not mention that he would be laid-off, but after a cut like that, someone would lose their job.  Tom called to tell me and, of course, I cried...and cried and cried.  I tried to  be positive, but it felt useless.

I told my parents about Tom's job via text message.  They came over to give me support, not knowing that I was more upset because I was pregnant and worried about taking care of a baby with no money or insurance.  I also  posted on theBump about our situation.  I got so many support responses, but nothing helped until I had a friend give me some Bible verses.  It was like a slap in the face.  After all I had been trough, why would I think that God would abandon us now? The encouraging verses and prayers kept coming.  One friend even told her small group about our situation and they are praying for us all week!

The next day Tom found out that there are TWO music people retiring!  That at least guarantees him a position.  We do not know if it will be full time, but we are hopeful that God will provide for our needs.  I also decided that I need to look for jobs that are not in the food industry and maybe not teaching either.  I found two great jobs that I would love and am very qualified for.  My mom helped me with my resume and I will be applying for them shortly. 

Tom and I decided to tell our parents about our new little one sooner rather than later.  We had so many plans for the weekend, but needed to fit it in somewhere.  We decided to go over to Tom's parent's house for lunch on Saturday morning.  We toured the garden and went back inside.  Tom broke the news.  They were so happy for us, and excited to hear we did not have any issues getting pregnant again.

We could not stay long, so we left right after lunch and headed to my cousin's wedding where, some how, we had to tell my parents while not letting anyone else know.  In the car, on the way to the wedding, I told Chelsea that I was pregnant.  "I thought so," she responded.  I knew we would not be able to keep it from her for long, considering she lives with us.

We got to the wedding and my parents weren't there.  We saw so many family members.  We started charting and there had to of been 20 of us there before my parents arrived.  We went and sat down, knowing that we would not be able to tell them until after the ceremony.

The ceremony was beautiful.  We left and headed for the reception hall.  We got there to find out the doors did not open for another half hour.  We went across the street to Meijer to waste time.  Chelsea called my parents and told them they should come join us at Meijer.  They came in, said hello and I got right to it.  "I'm pregnant again."  They gave us hugs and were very happy for us and a little surprised we told them before the reception.  How would they be able to keep it quiet?  

Although we were on an emotional roller-coaster we know God is helping us through these times.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not evil, for a  future and a hope.  
Jeremiah 29:11

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!

A New Beginning

Today is the beginning of a new chapter.  Tom and I have been through so much this past year.  We have had our emotional ups and downs...from buying a new house to losing our first son, Grant, we have been through a lot.  Now, with the past behind us and the future God has planned for us in front we are excited to announce that we are expecting another baby.

I woke up this morning and took a home pregnancy test.  It did not take too long for a faint line to start to appear.  In disbelief, Tom wanted me to get a digital test to confirm.  Off to the store I went, as he headed to work.  I got the test and sure enough it read "Pregnant"  as clear as day.  I texted a picture to Tom (which he could not see) and told him that I was definitely pregnant.

I can not help but sing praises to God for this little miracle.  I was down on my knees, crying and praying this morning.  "Thank you God for another baby!  Thank you for trusting Tom and I to raise a child and teach that child Your ways.  Please bless this child with good health and love.  I claim a healthy pregnancy, in Jesus' name! Please let me be a loving mother, who will show Your love daily.  Anoint me to teach my child to be a godly person, to pray, to know Your ways and Your Word.  I thank you for this miraculous gift of life that is growing inside me.  In Jesus name, Amen."


I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him.  So now I give him to the LORD.  For his whole life will be given to the LORD.
1 Samuel 1:27-28

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!