I can't seem to catch a break.

Scripture: Psalm 34:19

The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

Observation

There are so many things in this world that trouble the righteous.  Sickness, anxiety, job security, and money troubles are all things people have to face.  We are blessed that we have a Lord who comes to the rescue EVERY time.

Application:

Where do I start!  This year alone I have been punched in the face by a student, drug my muffler around for a couple days, had no power in my classroom for 2 days, had the stomach flu and gotten my phone stolen.  Not to mention my daily struggle of thinking about the family I may never get to have.  I face so many troubles I am utterly exhausted. Just yesterday I asked Tom (through my sobs), "Is it too much to ask to have one good week?"  I can't seem to catch a break. 

Even though I may have troubles too overwhelming for me to bear they are not too burdensome for God.  God will rescue me if I let Him.  He will take my burdens from me and give the peace only He can give.  Whatever my trouble God can calm my fears.  Whether it is frustration with fighting students, a broken down car, teaching without technology, falling behind at work due to a sickness, having my phone stolen by a student, or even my fears about our family; God will come to my rescue.

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for being with me through all of my troubles.  Thank You for coming to my rescue. Thank You for the peace that You have given. Please continue to guide me through my troubles and give me peace. 

Amen

Daily Fears

Scripture: 2 Chronicles 20:17

Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you.

Observation:

This world has a lot of things we fear.  Here we can lose so much.  This can cause us to be dismayed.  But God tells us to go out against them.  We should face our fears.  We do not need to fear because God is always with us!

Application:

In this world Tom and I have had to face our greatest fear. We lost our two sons before we even got to raise them.  We wanted to stay home and never go out in the world again.  But we have a God of mercy and compassion who is holding our sons until we meet again.  Tom and I know that God will give us a family in His time.  we do not have to fear or be dismayed because God is with us.   

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for being with me to face my daily fears.  Please make each day a reminder of Your power. 

Amen.

My Pursuit of Godliness

During the Lenten season in church our sermon series is called "Disciplined by Grace."  Today pastor spoke about journaling being a spiritual practice that helps pursue godliness in our lives.  "Journaling creates the opportunity to combine Bible Study, Prayer, the practice of Spiritual Disciplines, along with our thoughts and feelings of everyday life."

 I believe that God has called me to this spiritual practice in order to further pursue godliness.  But rather than do this in private, with no accountability, I have decided to journal on this blog.  I have tried journaling in the past and I only did it a few times before I stopped all together.  I want to be held accountable for my journaling.  I know I have a busy schedule and will not be able to journal daily, but my hope is to do it a few times a week.  I will post the new blog on Facebook for everyone to read and enjoy.  Now, if I do not post for a while I need my friends and family to hold me accountable.  I need you to remind me when you see me about missing a post, or send me a text or even a Facebook message.  I hope that this will help me in my faithfulness of journaling. 

Pastor gave an easy outline to follow for journaling and that is how I would like to start.  He gave the SOAP Method.  SOAP stands for scripture, observation, application, and prayer.  I will be following this simple outline in most of my blog posts.  There may be days when I have other things to say and use a different format or I might find a different way works better for me, but to start I will use SOAP.  So here goes...

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 

Observation:

WOW!  I love scripture that praises God!!  This verse reminds us of the compassion and comfort given by God.  Not only does God give comfort, but he is "the God of all comfort, who comfort us in all our troubles."  It is nice to know that in any trouble big or small we WILL receive comfort from God.  Now, since we have been comforted by "the God of all comfort," we are able to comfort others in their time of trouble.  Knowing how God comforts us, we can comfort others.

Application:

I know the application of this verse all too well.  For the past two and a half years God has been giving me daily comfort.  Every day I wake up without my two sons is another day I need comforting from God.  God is the only one who brings me enough comfort to even bring me to peace.  This peace passes all understanding.  Now, with the comfort and peace God has compassionately given, I can show others the comfort he give in their time of trouble.  What an amazing Father!

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your daily comfort.  Thank You for the peace that passes all understanding.  Thank You for showing me that I can now show others the comfort You have shown me. Please continue to comfort me until the day we meet face to face.

Amen

A year to Celebrate

Today is a day we celebrate.  We celebrate the wonderful gift we held a year ago, but had to give up too soon.  We celebrate a year of trusting God and letting Him take our sorrows. We celebrate a year of moving forward.  Today we celebrate Nathan's life. 

A year ago today I had to say goodbye to my second son.   Most people could not even imagine doing this once in a lifetime yet Tom and I have done it twice.  The pain of that day never goes away.  Holding Nathan, knowing we were not taking him home with us, broke my heart.  I will never be the same.  I will never recover from that heartbreak.  Each day I learn to live in the world with the pain and heartache of losing my sons.

As painful as that day was and as painful as everyday since has been, today I will celebrate Nathan's life.  Thanks to Jesus, our Savior, my son lives in heaven.  I praise God that Nathan lives in heaven waiting for me to join him one day.  Through my sorrows I have the hope of meeting him and spending eternity with him. 

Today Tom and I will take the day and celebrate Nathan's life.  We went to the Ann Arbor Arboretum to visit the tree planted in memory of Nathan and all the lost babies at U of M hospital this year.  We spent our day giving thanks to God for our precious son.  We gave thanks for the beauty He created in the Arboretum. 

This is the tree tag for the tree planted for Nathan last month.

 

 Here I am with the tree!

Here is Tom with the tree.

As we give thanks we look to the future.  Tom and I do not know what God has planned for us and we do not know where to go from here.  As we celebrate today, please keep Tom and me in your prayers.  We need to feel God lead us to a decision for our family.  We need God to show us the path He has planned for us. I want to know that Tom and I are on the path He has planned because His plan is far greater than mine.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

The Gift of Answers

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Mark 11:24

God is good!!  He may have timing I am not fond of, but He keeps His promises and answers our prayers.  After a long, painful year last year, Tom and I wanted nothing more than to find a cause for what happened to Grant and Nathan.  We wanted answers on how to move forward with having a family.  God has answered us!!!

Yesterday I had an appointment with a specialist from U of M Hospital.  Tom and I went, having low hopes of getting any useful information.  We arrived early, checked in and sat in the waiting room.  We did not wait too long and were called back to a room.  That is where I almost broke down many times waiting for the doctor to come in.  I did not know what to expect and I was so nervous. 

After what seemed like eternity, Dr. Ramira came in.  First, she apologized about not being prepared for the appointment, but she did have the autopsy results.  She said some other stuff, but eventually got to the point.  The diagnosis of the autopsy; Lethal Multiple Pterygium Syndrome (LMPS).  Never heard of it?  Well, neither had the doctor (that's why she apologized for being unprepared).  What we do know is that we FINALLY have a diagnosis. 

LMPS is genetic.  It is either autosomal recessive or X-linked.  If it is autosomal recessive that means both Tom and I are carriers and we had the unfortunate pleasure of having two children in a row with the disease, but it will not happen every time.  If it is X-linked, I am the carrier and LMPS will only affect our boys. 

For more information on the syndrome you can google it or this link gives a summary of LMPS. 
http://www.orpha.net/consor/cgi-bin/OC_Exp.php?Lng=EN&Expert=33108
Remember if you google it, Multiple Pterygium Syndrome has different types.  The type Grant and Nathan had is the Lethal type NOT Escobar.  Most information you will find is on the Escobar type and is not what Grant or Nathan had. 

I want to thank everyone who has kept us in their prayers during this past year.  We are so blessed to have such great family and friends.  I also want to thank our doctors and especially Dr. Mason Barr (the doctor who performed the autopsy) for working so hard to find a diagnosis for us.

Tom and I still have a long road ahead of us.  We would like you to keep us in your prayers as we continue testing and talking with doctors about our options for our family.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.   And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today... I was experiencing the worst pain of my life.  There are not many people who know the sort of pain I am talking about.  I am not talking about any kind of physical pain. The pain I am talking about has nothing to do with the fact that I was in labor or put on medication that increased the pain of my labor.  I am talking about the pain of losing a child.

There is no pain compared to the pain that comes after losing a child.  A year ago today I held our baby, Grant.  I hugged him.  I kissed him.  A photographer came and took photos of him.  Then, after a few short hours, I had to say goodbye.  Not the "see you soon" kind of goodbye, but the "see you in heaven" goodbye.

A year has passed and the pain is still as real and sharp as the day it happened.   That day changed my life forever.  I am no longer the same person I was over a year ago.  Losing a child has changed me.  Losing two has turned my world upside down.   I cannot be as happy as I once was.  I will always feel that sadness.  I will always feel as though I missed out on something.   I have come to terms with the fact these feelings will never go away.  I am beginning to learn to cope with these feeling I have daily. I feel as though some of my coping has been in bitterness.  I don't want to be bitter, but I don't know how else to be right now.

This past year Tom and I had to try to understand the fact we may never have our own family.  With all of the medical advancements in the 21st century most people never face this anymore.  I never thought this is where we would end up.  I never thought this would be the battle we would face.

Every day of the past year I have needed to seek God more than ever.  I have prayed harder, longer and louder than ever before.   I have been down on my knees screaming, crying, begging and pleading with God.  Despite my fervent prayers, my anguish has not subsided and my dream of a family is nowhere in sight.  

Not only have I been praying more, but I have been seeking God's word daily.  Without His Word I would be utterly lost.  Most days I have to cling to every word just to make it through the day.  Each verse helping me in a different way.

Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Mathew 11:28-39

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Only in God will I find rest.  Only in Him will I get help.  The past year has been a struggle.  Each day brought new challenges, new feelings.  Learning to let God take the burden for me is incredibly hard.  I feel as though it is my burden to bear, yet God wants to take it from me.  Why won't I let Him?

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Wow!  That is a bit of scripture that has been hard for me to swallow.  God has a plan for my life and as much as I would love to plan every minute of my life, His thoughts are not my thoughts.  His ways are not my ways.  He knows what is best for my life and what I need.

Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good

Proverbs 16:4
The LORD works out everything for his own ends--even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Every day I must remember these verses.  I must remember that God uses everything for His glory.    He will use my sorrow, my devastation, and my hurt for His glory.  I thank God everyday for the gift of my two sons.  The gift of my sons changed my life forever.  I don't know what God has planned for us, but I know it is for his glory. 

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Right on Time

I love how God shows us things when we need to see them!  As I was doing my daily bible study for the Beth Moore Bible study I joined on Monday, I was lead to a verse in 2 Timothy.  There on the opposite page, was a highlighted verse.  I have no idea when I highlighted it or why.  I did not think I had heard the verse before.

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation.  Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord.  Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.
2 Timothy 4:5

Finding this verse made me smile.  I need to remember to keep a clear mind, not fear my sufferings and continue to trust God has a specific ministry He has given me to carry out.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!