Christmas Without My Babies

Today it has been 10 months since I held Grant and we had to say goodbye.  I still remember all of the emotions as if it were yesterday. The pain, the joy, the grief.  I wish Grant were still here.  I wish he was here in the nursery we have for him, but he is not.  We do not get to give him presents for his first Christmas, we do not get to go see Santa and we do not get to send our family Christmas cards. 

Not only do we not get to do these things with Grant, but we also do not get to do them with Nathan.  It is hard for me to think of having to celebrate Christmas without my two babies.  Tom and I were supposed to have two babies with us this year. How can we celebrate without them?

I was shown this poem by a friend from my online support group:

“My First Christmas in Heaven”

 I see the countless Christmas trees.
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

 The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

 I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

 For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.

 I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

 I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.

 Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!

 I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.

 So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.

 After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

 Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.

 So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

- Author Unknown

Although this makes me cry, it puts me at ease a bit.  My babies get to spend their first Christmas with Jesus!  There could be no better way to celebrate Christmas than with Christ himself.  The gift God is giving me this year for Christmas is the peace in knowing that Grant and Nathan are having the best Christmas ever.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Not Ready to Let Go

Today I went through my maternity clothes.  One by one I took each piece of clothing off the hanger and folded it nicely.  I carefully put them in one big pile.  I pulled my pants out of the drawer and stacked them up.  Can this really be happening?  Am I getting rid of my maternity clothes?

Going through my clothes I got to remember Grant and Nathan.  We did not get much time together but I have such great memories of my little ones.  I can remember when I found out I was pregnant with both of them.  The sheer excitement we had was amazing.  I also remember the nights Tom would read to us as we got ready for bed.  And all of the times I got to see them on the ultrasound.  I miss them both more than anything.

Getting rid of my maternity clothes shows we are defeated.  I am not ready to be defeated.  I have hope that one day we will have a baby.  So, instead of donating my clothes I bought a big bin and put all of my clothes in it.  It is now stored safely in our basement, where one day I will be able to bring it back out.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!