Tom and I have played this game before and we are not fans. We can be patient people, but this a waiting game we never intended to have to play again. We wait for our next appointments; we wait in many waiting rooms; we wait for things to progress; we wait for tests to happen; we wait for test results; we wait for the baby to move; we wait for good news; we wait for bad news; we wait for answers; we wait for understanding; we wait for answered prayers; we wait for miracles....we just wait.
Tom and I know that we have a very painful road ahead of us. The waiting game gives us doubts and fears. These fester the longer we wait. We want to have answers. We want to understand what is happening. Why don't we have answers?
Tom and I are trusting God to help us. We know our God is good and will help us every step of the way. What we are having trouble remembering is that God does things in His time. We want answers now, but God will give us what we need when we need it.
For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him.
Ecclesiastes 8:6
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Our Path
My specialist decided that it would be best for everyone involved to send us to see Dr.Nugent at U of M Hospital. We will wait until later this month to start testing for a few reasons. Right now we could do a CVS but that would limit our testing. We want to do additional testing this time to see if we can diagnosis the condition. We can only do this if we do an amniocentesis. We are also able to freeze the culture from an amniocentesis to do more testing if that situation arises. We want to see if this condition will continue in all our babies or if it will only happen in some. We might be able to get answers from the U of M Hospital.
We have a lot of testing ahead of us. We are still hopeful that God will give us our miracle baby. We need everyone to continue to pray for our miracle. We need prayers for strength, peace and understanding of God's plan and timing.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
We have a lot of testing ahead of us. We are still hopeful that God will give us our miracle baby. We need everyone to continue to pray for our miracle. We need prayers for strength, peace and understanding of God's plan and timing.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Why God? Why?
That is what I cried out this morning in the shower. Why is this happening again? Did we not prove ourselves to be faithful servants when this happened with Grant? Did we not continue to go to church and scour God's Word for peace and comfort? Did we not pray for this to never happen again? Why God?!? Did we not trust that no matter the outcome with Grant that You would give us a healthy child? Did we not blindly, in faith, try to conceive again? Why God?!?
I stood there sobbing in disbelief that this could be happening again. I don't understand! Infertility is one thing, extremely difficult I know, but to have to actually bury a child is devastating. I can't do that again. Watching them put the tiny, white casket in the ground. Putting dirt on top, knowing I will never be able to hold my baby again. I will never get to kiss my baby or ever see a smile on their face or hold them when they cry. I will never hear them call me momma or watch as they light up when their daddy enters the room. Why am I robbed of these things?
I was able to talk to some friends and family, and if I got anything from them it was "we deserve a healthy child." Then why don't I have one? Why do I have pain and sorrow? Why do I have to bury my children? I had to think long and hard why God would let this happen again. And I could not come up with an answer. God would never want us to feel this way. It is not God who did this!! This is the work of Satan! I will not let Satan take me away from God. I ask Jesus Christ to take Satan from this place!! He will NOT take our joy from having a baby, he will NOT stand in the way of Tom and I having a family. Satan is not welcome in my home or my life and I will not stand to have him here.
Tom and I know that this baby IS God's gift. This is a blessing from above and one we will gladly endure the pain for. We have been greatly blessed in our lives. God never ceases to amaze me. His blessings overflow from our lives, and I see them more during this difficult time. What amazing people God as blessed our lives with! I can not thank all of you enough for your thoughts, kind words and most of all your prayers for us. It is when tragedy strikes that God shows us how blessed we really are!
Blessings by Laura Story
This song describes a lot of what I feel today. Through our pain we are truly blessed! I know God will continue to bless us through our sadness.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
I stood there sobbing in disbelief that this could be happening again. I don't understand! Infertility is one thing, extremely difficult I know, but to have to actually bury a child is devastating. I can't do that again. Watching them put the tiny, white casket in the ground. Putting dirt on top, knowing I will never be able to hold my baby again. I will never get to kiss my baby or ever see a smile on their face or hold them when they cry. I will never hear them call me momma or watch as they light up when their daddy enters the room. Why am I robbed of these things?
I was able to talk to some friends and family, and if I got anything from them it was "we deserve a healthy child." Then why don't I have one? Why do I have pain and sorrow? Why do I have to bury my children? I had to think long and hard why God would let this happen again. And I could not come up with an answer. God would never want us to feel this way. It is not God who did this!! This is the work of Satan! I will not let Satan take me away from God. I ask Jesus Christ to take Satan from this place!! He will NOT take our joy from having a baby, he will NOT stand in the way of Tom and I having a family. Satan is not welcome in my home or my life and I will not stand to have him here.
Tom and I know that this baby IS God's gift. This is a blessing from above and one we will gladly endure the pain for. We have been greatly blessed in our lives. God never ceases to amaze me. His blessings overflow from our lives, and I see them more during this difficult time. What amazing people God as blessed our lives with! I can not thank all of you enough for your thoughts, kind words and most of all your prayers for us. It is when tragedy strikes that God shows us how blessed we really are!
Blessings by Laura Story
This song describes a lot of what I feel today. Through our pain we are truly blessed! I know God will continue to bless us through our sadness.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Loving our Baby Through the Pain.
We were expecting big things from this appointment. We waited, not for too long, and went back for our ultra sound with Peg (who said she was happy to see us back). She asked if someone had looked at the baby before and we told her all was well with our first ultrasound. She was excited to get started.
She started the ultrasound and we saw our little one. She passed over the baby a few times and Tom gasped. We both saw it. We knew exactly what it was. The familiar halo around the babies head. Peg started to tear up. "There is a cystic hygroma," she managed to say. Tom and I looked at each other, scared of what was to come. Peg had to turn away to collect herself. She apologized and told us that she never gets bothered by things like this, but she did not expect another hygroma and she just wanted to see us happy.
She took a few measurements and went to call the specialist. Tom made some phone calls to tell our parents the news. He came back in the room and we said a prayer for our baby then we cried together. We don't understand why this is happening again. We just want to be parents and can't seem to have a healthy baby. We were so excited and now we are devastated.
We spent some time with our parents and sent a prayer out for our baby.
After we came home, I got a call from Dr. Jaskierny. She said she did not even know what to say. She was so excited for us to get the ultrasound done because she was sure it would bring good news. She spent some time talking to my specialist and they are both very concerned. Neither of them expected this to happen again and both are not sure where to go from here. They are debating sending me right to U of M hospital. I have an appointment on Monday with my specialist do go over the ultrasound and discus what test we want to do.
We are so baffled to be in this position again. I can not handle burying another child. GOD HELP US! We are trying to stay positive and pray for a miracle. We know that through God all things are possible. We love our baby and will enjoy our baby for as long as it is with us. For the next couple of weeks we will be down on our knees praying for a healthy baby.
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
She started the ultrasound and we saw our little one. She passed over the baby a few times and Tom gasped. We both saw it. We knew exactly what it was. The familiar halo around the babies head. Peg started to tear up. "There is a cystic hygroma," she managed to say. Tom and I looked at each other, scared of what was to come. Peg had to turn away to collect herself. She apologized and told us that she never gets bothered by things like this, but she did not expect another hygroma and she just wanted to see us happy.
She took a few measurements and went to call the specialist. Tom made some phone calls to tell our parents the news. He came back in the room and we said a prayer for our baby then we cried together. We don't understand why this is happening again. We just want to be parents and can't seem to have a healthy baby. We were so excited and now we are devastated.
We spent some time with our parents and sent a prayer out for our baby.
After we came home, I got a call from Dr. Jaskierny. She said she did not even know what to say. She was so excited for us to get the ultrasound done because she was sure it would bring good news. She spent some time talking to my specialist and they are both very concerned. Neither of them expected this to happen again and both are not sure where to go from here. They are debating sending me right to U of M hospital. I have an appointment on Monday with my specialist do go over the ultrasound and discus what test we want to do.
We are so baffled to be in this position again. I can not handle burying another child. GOD HELP US! We are trying to stay positive and pray for a miracle. We know that through God all things are possible. We love our baby and will enjoy our baby for as long as it is with us. For the next couple of weeks we will be down on our knees praying for a healthy baby.
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
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