I am a mother. I am a mother that is grieving. Grieving after losing her second child in a year. This is not the road I though we would be on. This is not where I want to be. Crying myself to sleep, longing to hold my child again. My arms literally ache because I can no longer hold Nathan. My body tells me I should have a child in my arms yet that is not my reality.
The delivery was a tough one. Once they gave me pitocin (a drug to bring on contractions) my contractions stopped. I only was having pain. Because the machines were not picking up any contractions they thought I was not very far into my labor. My pain worsened and I asked for the epidural even though my muscles were still not contracting. I got a small amount of relief (5 to 10 minutes or so) from the epidural before the pain became unbearable. Tom called the nurse as I tried my hardest to keep breathing. The nurse checked to see how dilated I was and ended up breaking my water. The nurse called for help from the resident and more nurses. They had to help clean me up while I tried to continue breathing through the pain. More pain came and the resident said I should try to push. I did not feel any contractions, but I pushed anyway. It was so hard to push when my body was not helping me. I could feel absolutely everything. I could feel an immense amount of pain surge through my back and Nathan trying to make his way out. I had no feeling of pressure or contractions. Pushing was so hard. Finally Nathan emerged and I could rest. I was crying because of the pain, I was crying because I knew Nathan was gone. I looked at Tom with tears streaming down his face. He was looking at Nathan with a smile on his face. He looked back at me, "Nathan is perfect" he said. He was such a proud father. He described Nathan to me as they cleaned him up.
I got to hold Nathan on my chest. I got to look at his sweet face. He had dark hair and little ears. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open. His hand was placed on his chin like he was deep in thought. He was perfect, just as Tom said. We took so many pictures of Nathan with things we had brought and made for him. There were so many tears, but we made the best of the time we had. It was not long before the nurse came and took him away. It was heart breaking to watch him leave, knowing I would never hold him again.
For the second time this year I left a hospital, after delivering my baby, with empty arms. As we pulled a way, I looked back at what we had to leave behind. We had to leave our flesh and blood, our second son. There was no car seat in our car, no crying baby to comfort. Just Tom and I alone. My heart ached at the thought of never holding him again, never able to see him smile or hear him talk.
My suffering seems as though it will never end. We are still waiting for test results that could make us suffer even more. We know that if we want a family our road just got a lot bumpier and a lot longer. Some days I think that maybe God just does not want us to have a family, but then my heart longs for a child to hold and I know that we are meant to be parents.
Through the pain, there are few things that comfort me. I lean on God's Word to give me comfort. I know God has more planned for us than this. I struggle to be patient as I wait for God's timing for our family. I know that through our pain God has blessings for us. It is hard to see our blessings through our tears, but I know they are there. I know our story touches many people's lives. I know our faithfulness to God has restored the faith of others. I have listened to "Blessings" by Laura Story everyday since we found out Nathan had passed. It is an amazing song that I would love for you to listen to.
Blessings by Laura Story
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!
