Trying to Understand God's Plan

Today I had another ultrasound appointment.  I thought it would be the same as the rest.  I walked in the hospital and turned toward the waiting room for maternal fetal medicine.  This also happens to be the waiting room for families waiting for a baby to be born.  As I look and get closer I notice there is not a single seat open!  There were so many families waiting for a little one that there was not a seat for me.  There had to have been close to 30 people waiting.  I checked in at the window and turned to see some seats open.  I sat and began my wait.

As I waited, I heard everyone talk about the progress their loved one was making.  How many centimeters they are, that they can see the babies hair and lots more.  I began to realize my family will never be able to happily talk about me during my labor.  There will not be an excited family waiting to hold a little baby.  Instead there will be a family grieving the loss of a baby.  Waiting on edge to say their good-byes.  This is when I began to realize, my family will never be able to welcome a healthy baby into our world like so many others get to.

This gets me thinking, what will I be missing out on?  I will never feel my baby happily kicking inside me.  I will never be able to hear my babies' first cry.  I will never get to hold a living, blood related baby.  I will never hear a stranger say, "your child looks just like you."  There are so many joys of this world I will never be able to experience. 

This made me so angry!  Why are these joys taken away from me?  Why am I being punished?  Why do I not get to have these joys?  I don't understand!  Look at all of these happy families.  Why do they get the joys that are taken from me?   I cannot understand any of this.  I don't understand why God would let me hurt this much.  Not only am I going to lose my baby, but God puts these happy families  in my face so I can see what I will never get to experience.

With the Thanksgiving holiday nearing I tried to be thankful.  I did get to have some joys that other people don't get.  There are many people that experience infertility that never get to see PREGNANT on a home pregnancy test.  I got that amazing joy.  I also got to see my baby on an ultrasound.  I got to talk to my baby and read him stories.  I got to give birth to my baby and hold him.  I got to kiss him and love on him.  There are people out there that never get this joy. 

I am struggling with the road God has put in front of us.  I feel that so much has been taken away from us, only to be replaced by inconsolable grief.  Will we ever find happiness again?  Is it God's plan that we are sad?  Is it His plan that we bury one child after another?   I need help understanding God's plan.  I need help seeing the good things in life.  Please be praying that I can remember;

In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us a child!