There is no pain compared to the pain that comes after losing a child. A year ago today I held our baby, Grant. I hugged him. I kissed him. A photographer came and took photos of him. Then, after a few short hours, I had to say goodbye. Not the "see you soon" kind of goodbye, but the "see you in heaven" goodbye.
A year has passed and the pain is still as real and sharp as the day it happened. That day changed my life forever. I am no longer the same person I was over a year ago. Losing a child has changed me. Losing two has turned my world upside down. I cannot be as happy as I once was. I will always feel that sadness. I will always feel as though I missed out on something. I have come to terms with the fact these feelings will never go away. I am beginning to learn to cope with these feeling I have daily. I feel as though some of my coping has been in bitterness. I don't want to be bitter, but I don't know how else to be right now.
This past year Tom and I had to try to understand the fact we may never have our own family. With all of the medical advancements in the 21st century most people never face this anymore. I never thought this is where we would end up. I never thought this would be the battle we would face.
Every day of the past year I have needed to seek God more than ever. I have prayed harder, longer and louder than ever before. I have been down on my knees screaming, crying, begging and pleading with God. Despite my fervent prayers, my anguish has not subsided and my dream of a family is nowhere in sight.
Not only have I been praying more, but I have been seeking God's word daily. Without His Word I would be utterly lost. Most days I have to cling to every word just to make it through the day. Each verse helping me in a different way.
Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Mathew 11:28-39
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Only in God will I find rest. Only in Him will I get help. The past year has been a struggle. Each day brought new challenges, new feelings. Learning to let God take the burden for me is incredibly hard. I feel as though it is my burden to bear, yet God wants to take it from me. Why won't I let Him?Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Wow! That is a bit of scripture that has been hard for me to swallow. God has a plan for my life and as much as I would love to plan every minute of my life, His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways. He knows what is best for my life and what I need.
Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good
Proverbs 16:4
The LORD works out everything for his own ends--even the wicked for a day of disaster.
Every day I must remember these verses. I must remember that God uses everything for His glory. He will use my sorrow, my devastation, and my hurt for His glory. I thank God everyday for the gift of my two sons. The gift of my sons changed my life forever. I don't know what God has planned for us, but I know it is for his glory.
Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!
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