One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today... I was experiencing the worst pain of my life.  There are not many people who know the sort of pain I am talking about.  I am not talking about any kind of physical pain. The pain I am talking about has nothing to do with the fact that I was in labor or put on medication that increased the pain of my labor.  I am talking about the pain of losing a child.

There is no pain compared to the pain that comes after losing a child.  A year ago today I held our baby, Grant.  I hugged him.  I kissed him.  A photographer came and took photos of him.  Then, after a few short hours, I had to say goodbye.  Not the "see you soon" kind of goodbye, but the "see you in heaven" goodbye.

A year has passed and the pain is still as real and sharp as the day it happened.   That day changed my life forever.  I am no longer the same person I was over a year ago.  Losing a child has changed me.  Losing two has turned my world upside down.   I cannot be as happy as I once was.  I will always feel that sadness.  I will always feel as though I missed out on something.   I have come to terms with the fact these feelings will never go away.  I am beginning to learn to cope with these feeling I have daily. I feel as though some of my coping has been in bitterness.  I don't want to be bitter, but I don't know how else to be right now.

This past year Tom and I had to try to understand the fact we may never have our own family.  With all of the medical advancements in the 21st century most people never face this anymore.  I never thought this is where we would end up.  I never thought this would be the battle we would face.

Every day of the past year I have needed to seek God more than ever.  I have prayed harder, longer and louder than ever before.   I have been down on my knees screaming, crying, begging and pleading with God.  Despite my fervent prayers, my anguish has not subsided and my dream of a family is nowhere in sight.  

Not only have I been praying more, but I have been seeking God's word daily.  Without His Word I would be utterly lost.  Most days I have to cling to every word just to make it through the day.  Each verse helping me in a different way.

Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Mathew 11:28-39

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Only in God will I find rest.  Only in Him will I get help.  The past year has been a struggle.  Each day brought new challenges, new feelings.  Learning to let God take the burden for me is incredibly hard.  I feel as though it is my burden to bear, yet God wants to take it from me.  Why won't I let Him?

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Wow!  That is a bit of scripture that has been hard for me to swallow.  God has a plan for my life and as much as I would love to plan every minute of my life, His thoughts are not my thoughts.  His ways are not my ways.  He knows what is best for my life and what I need.

Romans 8:28
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good

Proverbs 16:4
The LORD works out everything for his own ends--even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Every day I must remember these verses.  I must remember that God uses everything for His glory.    He will use my sorrow, my devastation, and my hurt for His glory.  I thank God everyday for the gift of my two sons.  The gift of my sons changed my life forever.  I don't know what God has planned for us, but I know it is for his glory. 

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Right on Time

I love how God shows us things when we need to see them!  As I was doing my daily bible study for the Beth Moore Bible study I joined on Monday, I was lead to a verse in 2 Timothy.  There on the opposite page, was a highlighted verse.  I have no idea when I highlighted it or why.  I did not think I had heard the verse before.

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation.  Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord.  Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.
2 Timothy 4:5

Finding this verse made me smile.  I need to remember to keep a clear mind, not fear my sufferings and continue to trust God has a specific ministry He has given me to carry out.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

The Kindness of Strangers

Tom and I have been blessed by our friends and family the past year with everything we have been through.  Our friends and family have been there for support, sent prayers, food, cards money and love to us the past year and we are very grateful and thankful for everything they have done.  But Tom and I were surprised by the kindness and generosity of strangers.

On Christmas Eve, Tom and I returned home from celebrating Christmas with Tom's family in Kalamazoo.  I went in the house as Tom got the mail.  Tom came in with a big package that was stuffed in the mailbox.  I recognized the return address as a friend I met online.  I belong to an online support group for women who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.  One of the women had sent Tom and I a package. 

We opened the package and there were four wrapped gifts and a card.  I opened the card and read it first.  It was not just from one person but from almost 40 people form the group!  Tom and I opened the two biggest gifts first.  They were both Willow Tree figurines.  They were both angels to remind us of our angel babies.  The next gift I opened was the smallest.  It was a necklace made by one of the women from my group.  On the outside is an angel.  When it was opened up there is both Grant and Nathan's names next to the day they were born in heaven and their birth stones.  It is so beautiful.  I wear it all the time.  The last gift I opened and began crying immediately.  They had given us $350 in Visa gift cards. 

Tom and I held each other and cried.  We have never been so humbled are peoples' generosity.  Tom kept saying that they had done too much, given too much.  Women that we have never met care so much about us.  We are in awe of those women and we want to thank each and every one individually for your kind gift.  A big thanks to Amanda Vosburg for putting this all together. Surely God will bless all of the women for giving to us so generously.

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’
Acts 20:35

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

My Desires

With Christmas just having passed, I have been thinking a lot about Jesus, as I am sure many of you have.  I have been thinking about the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  It is hard to think that Jesus knew what was coming and did not run away.  I can not understand why He would die for me, yet He did it anyway. 

When Christmas time rolls around everyone asks what I want for Christmas.  This year what I truly wanted no one on earth could give.  I wanted to see my two babies again.  I wanted to hold them and kiss them like every other mother gets to do, but I could not get that for Christmas.  Instead Grant and Nathan spent Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.  It is unbelievably humbling to know that because of the sacrifice Jesus made for us, Tom and I will be in Heaven holding our sons again one day.

Jesus already gave me the only gift I wanted this Christmas.  He was sacrificed so I could be with Grant and Nathan in Heaven.  After thinking about what He has already done for us I feel like I could never ask for anything more.  There is so much more I want.  I want to have a family with Tom.  I want to live a Godly life with a large family.  My list could go on and on.  I began to feel guilty for wanting more.  How could I ask for more when God already gave me the greatest gift of all, eternal life.  I am being so selfish asking for more than this, aren't I? 

I struggled with this for a bit.  Why was I asking God for a family?  He has already given me more than I deserve, eternal life in Heaven.  In a way I was happy to know that when I leave this earth I will be with God and my boys, but I was struggling with the fact that this may mean I may never have a family here on earth. 

I turned to the Bible for answers to the way I was feeling.  This is what I found...

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

Did I read that right?  I have read this verse many times before but does this mean that not only did God send His son to be sacrificed for our sins, but He also wants to give us the desires of our hearts?  Really?  God gave me the gift of eternal life with my sons PLUS  my heart's desires.  This is very overwhelming!  God has given me the desire for a family and I know He will fulfill this desire.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Christmas Without My Babies

Today it has been 10 months since I held Grant and we had to say goodbye.  I still remember all of the emotions as if it were yesterday. The pain, the joy, the grief.  I wish Grant were still here.  I wish he was here in the nursery we have for him, but he is not.  We do not get to give him presents for his first Christmas, we do not get to go see Santa and we do not get to send our family Christmas cards. 

Not only do we not get to do these things with Grant, but we also do not get to do them with Nathan.  It is hard for me to think of having to celebrate Christmas without my two babies.  Tom and I were supposed to have two babies with us this year. How can we celebrate without them?

I was shown this poem by a friend from my online support group:

“My First Christmas in Heaven”

 I see the countless Christmas trees.
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

 The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

 I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

 For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.

 I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

 I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.

 Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!

 I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.

 So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.

 After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

 Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.

 So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

- Author Unknown

Although this makes me cry, it puts me at ease a bit.  My babies get to spend their first Christmas with Jesus!  There could be no better way to celebrate Christmas than with Christ himself.  The gift God is giving me this year for Christmas is the peace in knowing that Grant and Nathan are having the best Christmas ever.

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Not Ready to Let Go

Today I went through my maternity clothes.  One by one I took each piece of clothing off the hanger and folded it nicely.  I carefully put them in one big pile.  I pulled my pants out of the drawer and stacked them up.  Can this really be happening?  Am I getting rid of my maternity clothes?

Going through my clothes I got to remember Grant and Nathan.  We did not get much time together but I have such great memories of my little ones.  I can remember when I found out I was pregnant with both of them.  The sheer excitement we had was amazing.  I also remember the nights Tom would read to us as we got ready for bed.  And all of the times I got to see them on the ultrasound.  I miss them both more than anything.

Getting rid of my maternity clothes shows we are defeated.  I am not ready to be defeated.  I have hope that one day we will have a baby.  So, instead of donating my clothes I bought a big bin and put all of my clothes in it.  It is now stored safely in our basement, where one day I will be able to bring it back out.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!

Searching for God's Gift

This year God gave Tom and me two amazing gifts.  He gave us two precious sons.  Sadly, before we were able to meet our sons God called them home to heaven.  We were given two great gifts and they were taken away too soon. 

Tom and I have been through so much this year.  It is hard to even fathom what we have had to deal with.  The overwhelming grief of losing two children in one year has been almost more than we can handle.  We have only been able to keep going through the support of our friends, family and most importantly our Heavenly Father.  God has given us the hope to keep going, to not give up on having a family. 

Now Tom and I are left searching for our gift from God.  We know God has plans for a family for us, we just do not know what they are yet.  We are now searching for that gift.  We do not know how we are getting our family, but we know one day God will give us one.  Until that day, we are left searching for our gift.  God may give us other gifts along the way.  Gifts we do not expect. Gifts that come from our grief.  Now, each day, we search.  What gift has God given us today?

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Praise God for His faithfulness in giving us our gift!